I believe that the reason women feel so pressured to find a mate is that they want to have children. If women had the same freedom over their genetics that males have – ie. if we could give life to healthy children in our 50s, 60s, and 70s, we would all be a lot more relaxed.
Animals have this issue solved because they don’t believe in monogamy. With the exception of a tiny species of tapeworm, no animal on earth has a perfect track record for monogamy. They don’t believe that they have to “mate for life”. This then means that they can have babies whenever they feel like it. They don’t have to first wait for Mr. Right.
But for humans this is generally not so. There is nothing wrong, of course, with wanting to wait until marriage to have children (rather, this is quite commendable!) but it also doesn’t mean that the ticking clock which over time begins to feel more like a ticking time bomb needs to push you to the point of total desperation and freak out. As I explained in my previous blog, doing that will only serve to push your intention even further away.
As single women I believe it is our duty to focus our energy on our passions and interests – even in the times when that ticking time bomb is making us want to prowl the town and drag home a man like a limp piece of meat. Female animals understand this. They never worry about being attractive or luring in a mate. They simply enjoy their lives, do their thing, and if they so desire – choose from the many males vying for their attention. They understand that spending your time indulging in your passions and interests rather than chasing after guys makes you more alluring to them, anyway. After all, nothing is more of a turn off than a desperate, clingy woman who has nothing going for herself.
Doing things you enjoy also puts you in situations where you are more likely to meet men! So many us (including my former self) put so much attention on the one particular guy that we think is “the one” that everything else in our life becomes a blur. We then spend our free time at home waiting by the phone, checking our Facebook page obsessively, and not going out and doing things we love .. essentially, by obsessing over a guy (and usually anyone you are obsessing over is not worth obsessing over), we take ourselves away from opportunities where we could actually meet someone who is good for us!
And let me say, too, that when I say “going out and doing things we love” I am NOT talking about going to night clubs. It’s fine to go to them if you enjoy them but don’t go to them to “pick up” or “hook up.” More than likely the kind of guy you can pick up in a club is not the type of guy you are going to want to get into a long term relationship with. The real gems will be met in non-pick up locations like photography courses, hiking groups, university programs, exercise classes, etc. The right man will have similar interests to you and so it only makes sense that you would meet him while indulging in those interests.
* Note: I use the words “men” and “guys” deliberately here. I believe there is a very big difference between a “man” and a “guy”. A man is what you want. A guy is what you think you want.
Photo credit
I am convinced that the vast majority of single women approach dating the wrong way. They fight against nature and it puts men off.
I know this because for years I was doing it the wrong way. I approached the dating world the way I approached my professional life. If there was something I wanted (or in this case, someone I wanted) I would analyse the situation (read: obsess), come up with an action plan, be persistent in carrying out that action plan, and not stop until I was successful – or else completely humiliated. And I know for certain that this strategy is a common one. In the job market this tact can get you long way but in the dating world you just come out looking like a stalker.
You then start down a dangerous path of self-doubt, self-criticism, and believing that there is something very seriously wrong with you.
Well I am here to tell you that there isn’t. There absolutely isn’t. The problem is simply that males of all species are programmed a certain way and you need to approach them in a way that is consistent with their nature.
In the natural world, the trend by and large is for males to pursue and females to choose.
When I explain this theory to men they almost always say “duh” but when I explain it to women they very often become offended. And I can understand this because it does seem offensive in a way. If I tell a woman that it is not her place to pursue it’s as if I’m saying that men can do whatever they want but women just have to sit around passively with a “come hither” look on their face. And why should this be so? After all, in this day and age women are equal to men in every way so why should courtship be any different? Why shouldn’t a woman be able to go pursue a man in the way that a man can pursue a woman?
Well let me first say that you can. Of course you can .. but I have come to believe that it is counterproductive. In fact I beleive that a woman is most powerful, most liberated, when she flat out refuses to pursue a mate. The female animals of our world would agree with me here. They understand that they are desirable to males simply as a virtue of their gender. Sure, if they are in the mood they’ll dab on a little purfume – pheramones – to signal to the males that they are interested (it always helps, after all, to give a little green light) but never wouldn’t they be caught dead prancing around in front of a guy trying to get his attention.
You find in animals that females are wildly pursued by the males – to the point where some have had to evolve elaborate defenses against them. And they get all this attention without even having to try. And the aren’t even that good looking! Most of the time they are relatively drab, far less decorated than their flamboyant counterparts. If they were human they would balk at the idea of wearing makeup or high heels or colourful clothing* because they would see no purpose in being attractive. To them, males are the ones responsible for this. They are the ones that must attract, lure in, dance for, and fight off the competition in order to win a mate. Females mustn’t worry about any of this. A Female need only sit back, relax, and choose amongst the many males vying for her attention.
And this, by the way, is why playing hard to get actually works!
By playing hard to get you are refusing to pursue and forcing men into their natural, biological, primal states. Wombats have this system down pat. They completely refuse to mate with any male who doesn’t go to extreme lengths to chase them (remind me to write a blog soon about the wombat archetype. It’s a fascinating one).
But my message here is not to tell you to play hard to get. I simply want to drill in you the understanding that there is absolutely no need as women for us to think that we have to be perfect, be attractive, or come up with strategies and sneaky little schemes to get the attention of men. We are deserving of it and capable of receiving it simply by being ourselves.
Now this starts to become a bit more challenging when it comes to one major thing – our biological clocks (click to continue).
* Note: Please don’t believe that if you enjoy wearing bright colours and makeup that you are sabotaging your chances of finding a partner .. it’s fine so long as you are doing it for yourself. You do start to get into trouble, though, if you are doing it to be attractive to men.
Photo credit
Facebook
Twitter